Scars and Stars

source The parallelism is rather uncanny.  The first time I’ve seen the trailer, I was like - kwento ko ba yan?  I couldn't help but repost the trailer on FB and one of my friends commented that it indeed was similar to my story, pati look ni Alex sa movie, ako'ng ako back in the days.  I've been in a particular relationship for years. I've fought for that relationship, I even took some friendships for granted. It was a happy one, for a few years. Then it became suffocating, I felt trapped, I felt like I've lost my own identity and all that I am is only complete with him. I felt compelled to always get his approval, I felt scared voicing out my opinions on things. I wanted to get out but at the same time I did not want to put all that we've fought for to waste. I couldn't talk to him without feeling inferior. I almost always end up to be the one at fault. I know he also tried to fix it, but it became too suffocating for me.  It's how it break...

I must admit, I miss writing but I became lazy.   I miss the other blog and it has taken me several tries nesting on this new page before I actually am able to write something. It's just different and I love the other blog but I need to retire it. It has a lot of stories about the past (considering the high frequency of my posts there) that, like a chapter of a book, needed to end. That was more than a decade of my life documented.  I hope I can keep up with blogging this time.  I'd be spending more time on the laptop again so I think I can now also give this blog some attention. I know I can't do daily posts anymore like a few years back because - kids, but I hope at least I can put my thoughts into writing at least once a week.  Really looking forward to getting my "me time" again. :) 

S o I wonder if it is even possible to be surrounded with the people you love most but still feel lost? I've been feeling really down the past few weeks. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I miss Mama so much and I feel like I'm still grieving inside yet I have to put up a strong faćade because, yeah, I am a mother and a wife, too.  Or maybe because I'm missing my friends - I mean I have friends here but I also miss my other friends. And honestly I feel like I'm losing some of them. I know they say that real friendships do not really require you to spend all of your time together, but I just have this nagging feeling that I'm losing some really important people. You know when you do your best to reach out but don't get the expected response? I hang on to the last interaction with that person/s and convince myself that maybe they too just have too much on their plate and could not get back to me as much as before. But the praning in me also tells me t...

"Ako na lang ang magkasakit..." - my very thought while wiping my little girl's forehead with a damp washcloth. I think every parent will agree with me.  The little girl has fever and it has been four days. Four long sleepless days. The first couple of days we were just observing her but on the third day, my husband had to skip work because she has reached 39 degrees, refuses to be put down, feeds are erratic and short and I also have a two-year-old to take care of.  I've been constantly offering my milk because I believe in the (super)powers of breastmilk and since we are still on direct latch, my body is aching, I'm sleepless and my nipples are sore.  So today we went to Davao Doctor's Hospital to have her checked. It was my first time to this hospital. I like that it's clean and it's impressive that people are lining up for the elevator. It was Makati Med-ish in the sense that it has a decent lobby and a coffee shop/deli inside.  It was wei...

Indeed, time flies. After a whole year of not updating this blog, I am back. A lot has happened and I can't believe it's only been a year!  For one, we have moved (again), this time it's Davao! This has been one of the top three cities that we considered settling down to, the other two are Malaybalay (Bukidnon) and Sagada (Mountain Province). We've been here for just a little over two months and so far we are loving it. It is tough moving to a new place especially with two kids in tow but by God's grace and with the support of our families and friends, we managed to pull it off.  I am still a stay-at-home-mom but there are a lot of tempting job opportunities here should I decide to work again. At this point though, I'm still not ready to let go of status quo. So at night I pray hard that I am able to manage our finances well so our family of four can continue living off my husband's income.  The kids have grown and are both full of surprises. They ...

I have been an SAHM ( stay-at–home-mom ) for two years now. With everything that I'm juggling, I want to look for little pockets of "me time" every so often... So I decided to go back to blogging.  Since I don't go out of the house at all, I have very minimal interaction with people other than my family, so I decided to just blog about my mommy adventures and mishaps - and everything in between.  DIAPER CADDY Let me start with sharing something that makes my life a little bit easier everyday - my DIY diaper caddy.  Here's how it looks like: just a simple, inexpensive basket filled with our changing essentials.  I decided to improvise a diaper caddy so it will be easier to get stuff especially when changing nappies in the middle of the night. I just grab the basket and everything I need is there. Here's a close-up of what's in it.  Nappies - we are using EQ Dry for our little girl. With Lucas , we were using Drype...

Fast forward June 2015... I now have two angels to take care of. Yay! ;) My days sometimes go by in a blur of diaper changes, spit ups, feedings, baths, play time and other baby mishaps... But I try my best to be present, to savor every moment. I know time will go by fast and before I know it, these two will be needing less of my arms and superpowers.  I am amazed on how I am able to manage to care for them without any yaya. I look around the mess in our room and my long to-do list and see that I still have a lot to improve on in terms of being an efficient stay-at-home mom but at the end of the day, what's important is I always put the welfare of my children first, above any OC-ness on keeping the shelves tidy and the room spic and span. I am a mother. Sigh. That is a tired, yet happy sigh. Motherhood is the greatest blessing EVER. I can never be thankful enough for receiving this opportunity to love fully and be loved unconditionally in return. 

I f I am to rate the pain of giving birth, I'd definitely give it a 10/10.  The pain becomes vague to me especially when I look at my son but I can remember feeling like my body was going to explode into pieces, add to that the awkwardness of being naked on a strange bed in a very compromising position, surrounded by people I know nothing about but their names. I was in labor for 12 hours and was pushing for an additional 2 hours inside the delivery room!  We went to the hospital at 2am following our OB's instructions to go if the contractions reaches 5 minutes apart. When I went to the ER, apparently I was only 1cm dilated, we need 10cm. I'm lucky my OB was there to deliver another baby that evening, she did my IE and I did not have to open my legs to a different doctor.  I dilated only a centimeter every hour but it was constant progress, so by 10am I was only waiting for a single centimeter (or an hour) before I can finally push. I was trying my best...

I realized that there are truly a lot of opportunities that I can't take because I now have a son.  I find myself in awe whenever I think about this little boy and how his life and his future depends on my decisions.  Although I have learned to be a creature of habit, I also have a lot of impulsive decisions in the past. It is exhilirating to jump into something new without much thought. I want to do that again but I cannot afford to be irresponsible because I am not only answerable to and for myself alone, I have my little family with me. Whatever I do will affect them whether I (or they) like it or not. Another opportunity knocked today and sadly I know I have to decline because it involves moving to a different city. I wanted so much to move to a different city and have a fresh start with my family all by ourselves but we cannot do that without caculating the risks. Ahh, I wanted to say YES, pack my bags and hop in BUT I simply can't. Having Lucas this fra...

The first bite transported me ten years back.   Although it has significantly gotten smaller, it still has the same taste that I was willing to get up for in the middle of the night. Nanay brought these for us, so J and I decided to have a midnight "date" right in the bedroom while the little boy is asleep, swapping stories of THE Bacon Mushroom Melt. Back in college, I'd walk around the neighborhood to the nearest Wendy's, alone, in the middle of the night just to satisfy my craving. There's this Wendy's along Commonwealth that I frequented back then and it turns out that J also frequented that particular branch as he was often in Tierra Pura then. He could have been one of those boys I often see while I'm eating alone in that tiny branch. But of course as fate would have it, that was not the time for us to meet, YET.

My life will never be the same again... ever. The past 4 months has been amazing.  I've discovered so much about myself along this new journey... things that I never thought I had or am capable of. Motherhood is truly what they say.  When I look at Lucas, I sometimes wish I had him earlier so I could enjoy this profound happiness longer.  True, there are those nights that I thought I would go crazy because of his demands but when he goes back to sleep, sometimes with a smile on his face, my heart melts.  There are even those nights when I know that I badly need to catch up on some sleep but just couldn't because I can't get enough staring at him.  This little man taught me how it is to be a strong, to be a fighter and how it is to love unconditionally.

I was going to put a status saying "We decided to elope and get married" -- because that's how last Friday felt like. Nothing grand was planned and everything was done in less than a month's time. I don't even have a "proposal story" because there was really none. One afternoon while we were on a stop light, we just thought of getting married and as soon as the green light appeared the decision ... was sealed and that was it. There really is what they call - perfect timing. Everything fell into place despite our meager budget and time constraints. Both our families were supportive of what we want to have even if they were also taken by a surprise -- sa tanda naming 'to, mukhang kating-kati na talaga sila na ikasal kami, natakot ata na baka tumanda kaming binata/dalaga. Along the way there were a lot of hurdles but everything turned out well because everything was done as a labor of love - not only from the two of us but from our family members...

So I am now officially unemployed. A couple of weeks after I passed my 30-day notice at work, when I felt most doubtful about the decision, I got an affirmation from Him -- w e found out we're pregnant. Yes we are expecting! We didn't plan it but it fits perfectly well as if it was. I can focus on taking care of myself and our baby now that I don't have to fight off work-related stress. I deem it's easier to deal with the morning sickness ( which really doesn't only happen in the morning ) now that I can have full access to the bathroom and eat whenever and whatever I want. I've been crying buckets on my last day at work and I'm pretty sure it's not just the hormones.  This bum break is very much welcome but I'm also terribly sad leaving the company I've been with for the past 8 years.  I've found real friends there.  I know financially it will be a bit of a challenge but I also know that I am empowering myself for motherhood...

Since early last year, I already had these plans.   I often discuss this intention with my friends but until this month they remained to be, well, just plans.   When 2013 came in, I decided to pray for it.   I started asking Him for concrete signs that this is what’s good for me, for J and for our families.   To my amazement, He already gave me 3 signs in a span of three weeks, how’s that for an express delivery? I am dumbfounded as to how He communicated these signs to me -– through very unexpected channels.   Now I’m writing this entry not to brag that I finally did it or that it was a success.   I’m writing about this to share that He has been very faithful to the prayers of his daughter.   He has been truly faithful to me.    Now it’s up to me to get these wheels moving. Although I know that He has given me the go signal to pursue this but just like any major decisions and changes, I’m scared.   I wil...

With the ladies in the family - my sisters, Mama and my niece Ayezzah That feeling when you are on rest day mode and you don't feel like doing anything, just spend time watching TV or munching on some new snack...that feeling makes me miss my sisters more. If I were home, I'd probably just send an SMS to them and ask them to ship the nephews and nieces over. Or I'd probably just pop myself into their homes to play with the kids. Now that I am close to building my own household... There's no other place I want to be than be just a 5-minute ride away from one of my sister's home. Gosh I miss 'growing up' with them. We have our disagreements, sure, but above all else I think there is that common eagerness amongst us to share experiences together. Or maybe that's just how sisters are wired.

 Manila Bay, Philippines  What a ride 2012 has been! Comical as it is but it feels like I’ve been tossed into a laundry machine – twirled, tumbled, squeezed and stretched. Though I came out torn in some places, important thing is I am given another fresh start. I know they say an opportunity only comes once but I also believe that you’ll never run out of chances as long as you allow yourself to have it. There are things worth fighting for and there were those which are better let go of. The wisdom to know the difference between the two is elusive but I’m glad that looking back, I think I made the right choices. So when 2012 started, I said it will be a fierce year and it truly was. I know that 2013 will be a BIG year for me. Those BIG dreams which were set aside before have waited for me enough and I know in my heart that I am ready to take them on. I know that there are BIG decisions to make and I’m a bit challenged but I also know that last year prepared me -- 20...

A birthday collage from my mom & siblings Just very a very quick update on random stuff. NOVEMBER Celebrated VT*ch's 4th anniversary with the company last November & I'll be turning 8 yrs old with APS in a few weeks. I'm sure we all go through this phase at one point or another... the question is will I get over this phase or will I finally give in? It has been quite a drag lately because I don't feel that kurot inside me anymore. There have been several decisions that doesn't sit well with me and they're starting to pile up. Went to Boracay with the whole fambam. Yes, all 20 of us! Crazy. Celebrated my birthday. ;) Met up with my UPSCA friends for my birthday salubong . I haven't seen them since December last year & meeting them again was one of the best burthday presents I gave myself. Kuya Jeff & Nge gifted us with a dinner buffet at Manila Hotel for my birthday, so J & myself had the chance to go out o...

My craft corner. I'm always excited when the Christmas season is coming not only because I love receiving gifts but because I'm in-love with wrapping presents. I have this grand ambition of giving handmade presents to all my family and friends. Of course I'm not at all good at crafts and the closest I've been to realizing that dream is giving out handmade Christmas cards (but I tried and will keep on trying). So this year, although work is crazy stressful and busy, life also feels ironically "in-order". Despite the busy daily schedule I am finding more time to explore different crafts. I want to be a crafter! I envy those girls who seem to have magic in their fingertips to create beautiful things! They say crafting is such a "lola" hobby... maybe because you can craft just by yourself, it really does not require much interaction, perfect for those who have their sariling mundo . On the contrary though, based on the crafty blogs that I've be...

So I'm doing a test run if blogging using the iPad is easier... Too bad I need to download Google+ to be able to try uploading photos for and can't just import straight from the camera roll (I didn't want to download anything yet). It's easier and faster obviously because I have a bigger QWERTY keypad compared to the iTouch that I'm used to using and it's way portable compared to my Acer laptop. Looks like I will get the hang of using an iPad for blogging. Well... Let's see. ;)

I was excited for this week since Monday is US Labor Day and we don't have to go to work. On a Monday night! Yeah! But my happy bubble was quickly burst... there's a medical situation that I needed to attend to - which was apparently so urgent that I had to skip work as early as Friday last week. I was hoping to be back working my lazy butt off tomorrow (Tuesday) but after several visits to several doctors over the weekend and this morning, it seems that my long weekend will really be long indeed. I was not allowed to work for the whole week. That spot right there in the picture is a result of a PAINFUL procedure given to me early this morning. I have to go back and have it analyzed on Thursday. Then another consultation with the doctor on Friday. I found myself staring at that spot on several occassions the whole day today. How dare could this one tiny red spot decide on how I will be in the next few weeks (months...years...I don't know). I told my mom about...